You know the familiar adage...

..."God never gives you more than you can handle"? Well, I think that's a load of crap.

I'm sure I should be more gracious in my opinion here, but I'll save that grace for the moment that someone says that to my face. For now, in this forum, let's just be honest.

I have experienced for years the effect of a supportive community. I have been witness to, recipient of, and participant in the act of encouraging, commiserating, and acknowledging pain in this world. Pain exists. Heartache happens. Stress overwhelms. Death wins. And as a community of support, as we have rallied around the friends and family with whom we suffer, we have developed a particular language. It's language we depend on because we often have no words for expressing ourselves when we see the suffering of others. Just yesterday, a coworker told me she had to bury her dog. My words, "I'm sorry" were honest and accurate. I am sorry for her pain. I am sorry for not knowing how to help further. I'm not a dog owner or much of a dog person in general. I don't understand her anguish or quite know how to relate to it. So I offer up a hug and the familiar language of suffering and hope that it provides some small level of comfort. My words are heartfelt, though feeble. But sometimes it's all we have to give.

There are many words that we default to expressing as we extend our love and sympathy to those in need. As John and I began this strange ride earlier this year, I have wondered at what point someone might tell me, "God never gives you more than you can handle." Several months before, I had a conversation with a close friend about my irritation with this statement. The conversation came up due to someone else's suffering, yet my emotions felt incredibly personal. I realize now that God was helping me understand the ridiculousness of this phrase so that I could better prepare for my own trials.

I believe that God wants us to live with the utmost JOY possible. And I believe that God knows this joy is only found through HIM. In His perfection, in His sovereignty, in His wisdom and overwhelming love, God, in Himself, offers the greatest joy we can understand on earth. So, if we want it, we need to seek to be nearer to Him.

If God wants us nearer to Him, experiencing this joy, would it be wise for us to live as though we don't need Him? Not exactly. So, if we experience trials believing that we won't be dealt a hand we can't manage on our own, then we have no need to search out a power greater than ourselves. Therefore, if God wants us to find the greatest joy, and that joy is in Him, then it should be said that,

"God always gives us more than we can handle."

Because HE LOVES US. He desires that we constantly rely on Him. In HIS power, we can overcome anything. "...In all these things (tribulation, distress, persecution, famine, nakedness, danger or sword) we are more than conquerors THROUGH HIM who loved us." (Romans 8:37, emphasis and parenthesis mine).

Yes, we can handle trials. But it is not of our own power. Whether we choose to acknowledge God or not, He is working mightily in our lives. And for this, I am grateful beyond what I'm capable of expressing.

You see, I am officially outside my power. Three months ago, I was told my unborn son had life-threatening issues. While each month since has brought small tidbits of information, we are still living in a reality that he may not live past birth. We have experienced some moments of "good news", like when his heart appeared to be functioning in a viable way or when he continued to grow proportionately despite his chromosome abnormality. But his heart is showing signs of blockage and the doctor believes he'll be diagnosed with pulmonary hypertension soon after birth. And, whether he is just trying to prepare us or not, our doctor is not yet convinced that Luke's heart and lungs will behave normally outside the womb. As Luke continues to fall behind in relative size (I'm almost 34 weeks, but he measures around 29), we've scheduled an induction for June 3rd, soon after Luke is deemed "full term". We meet with our medical team in the next week or two and are having weekly ultrasounds to monitor his progress. The reality is that our trial with our second son is only just beginning, and I'll admit I'm not sleeping as well these days.

Praise God, the Holy "Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words." (Romans 8:26) Many days, my prayers are simply, "God, heal Luke." "God, give us strength." "God please tell us what to do when he's born and we have to make so many decisions." Many days, I run out of words. Many days, I'm repeating myself in almost a rhythmic way. I am thankful for the Holy Spirit for letting my words be a sweet aroma to God and not wandering babble.

In the last few days, my prayers have become more constant. I have struggled to keep anger and worry at bay. Doubt for God's provision has crept in, and I have felt disheartened at my lack of faith. As I said, I am officially outside my power.

On Friday, we received news that we had recognized was imminent but had hoped was still far off. John's firm, after 18 months of slowed work-load, is having to close its doors. Our last paycheck will arrive May 30th. Just days before we see our son face-to-face. Without pay, with new bills, with increased strain on my dwindling part-time budget and insurance coverage, we have few recourses for meeting our financial obligations. Our only understandable option is to sell our house and find free lodging for a while.

So yes, I've been given more than I can handle. Please don't assume so much strength of me that I can withstand this sort of stress. I can't. I'm broken. I'm tired. I'm scared. I've been broken, tired and scared for several months. It is only by God's strength that I have not completely fallen to pieces. But I am closer to brokenness now than I was before.

John and I sit in a space of uncertainty in how to respond. Our constant question deals with the reality set before us versus the God enthroned above us. We know that God will prevail in our lives and bring about an answer to all the questions we have. We also know that His timing and creativity are outside our understanding. He could deliver an amazing job offer tomorrow and wipe that particular worry off our minds. Or He could wait a few weeks or months before answering that prayer, thus confirming the necessity of selling our home. In the meantime, are we to begin the process of moving or should we wait a bit longer, expecting a swift turnaround in John's employment? Both actions require resting in faith that He will provide.

I am fully confident that "God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose."(Romans 8:28)  I also know that "Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the LORD that will stand." (Proverbs 19:21) Honestly, this gives me so much hope. If I had been given free reign to design my life story, it would not look as it does today, and I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have as much blessing and joy. My God's ways are higher than my own. Yes, I dearly wish He would stop taking so long and just solve my problems! But this frustration has caused me to pray so consistently for peace and wisdom and faith that it has nearly become a form of breathing.

So bring it, suffering. My God overcame death; it has no sting. Sure, I will cry and scream and doubt. But none of that can separate me from Christ's love. And His love brings me joy.

Praise God for giving me more than I can handle. The God I serve is mighty. He has reigned over greater trials that what I see. He is capable every day that I am not.

The LORD sat as King at the flood;

Yes, the LORD sits as King forever.

The LORD will give strength to His people; 

The LORD will bless His people with peace.

Psalm 29:10-11