...just count your blessings instead of sheep. And you'll fall asleep counting your blessings."
If those words aren't familiar to you, then you haven't spent enough time around my sister and I at Christmas. In the wonderful holiday classic, White Christmas, Bing Crosby sings one night to Rosemary Clooney about the lullaby benefits of counting his blessings. "If my bankroll is getting small, I think of when I had none at all. And I fall asleep, counting my blessings." There really isn't much more to the song than the simple chorus, and it's been stuck in my head for a couple days.
So here I am, past 1 a.m. and unable to sleep. Maybe I've gotten "too much" sleep this past week. Since Luke came home from his tracheostomy at the end of October, I haven't slept more than 2 hours at a time. Then, this Monday he was admitted back to Dell with a respiratory infection, and I have slept 4 nights in a row without interruption. I think my body is confused. But I sit awake tonight, staring out the window at a tree-filled yard lit up by the full moon. It is a gorgeous night to be stuck awake. And that song is still playing in my head.
If you could see the number of drafted blogs I have that are disjointed and unfinished, you might understand a bit more the pain that is my writer's block. I sit down on occasion to put sentences to the mess of words that flow through my thoughts, but many times I get up again without the satisfaction of a completed work. I feel scattered and full of rabbit-trails. I am overwhelmed by the sheer volume of life lessons we are encountering right now, and I struggle to find the most succinct ways to share about our lives. We have endured some incredibly low moments in the last 10 months. And yet what continues to rise to the surface as I sift through stories to tell are the many blessings we have been given.
Due to flu season visitor policies at the children's hospital, Jack is not able to accompany me when I visit Luke. Finding last minute child care during the wintery cold/flu season proved to be impossible. I contacted over a dozen friends to request help and all had sick children or were sick themselves. Yet I am blessed with many many options for loving childcare. Beyond the many friends I DID ask, there were more waiting in the wings that I opted not to bother this time around. Seriously, I have a long list of people to pester whenever I need help with babysitting.
Since I didn't have snot-free friends to watch Jack, my emergency back-up plan was to bring him to his Mawmaw's 5th grade class during her conference period (or recess, or lunch, or maybe even during class time). I'm told that Jack charmed the sass out of her 10-year-olds and impressed other teachers with his "immense vocabulary". I am blessed to have coworkers who enthusiastically take care of my family and allow me to disrupt their lives a bit without making a fuss.
Speaking of work, there is a reminder on my phone to send in my resignation letter to my school. Does it appear odd that I have to remind myself to resign? Due to the generosity of strangers, I benefitted from the University's Sick Leave Pool and was granted extended paid leave from my job. In all this time I have been at home or at the hospital with Luke, I have been able to maintain my family's health insurance and my income. This is a blessing that has helped me sleep at night! My school staff has been nothing but supportive and encouraging, making it even harder to leave. I have had 4 wonderful years there and miss it already.
A seemingly small blessing this week was the group of doctors on service in the PICU at Dell. Dr. Aldridge was on service the week that Luke was first admitted to PICU back in September. She and I communicated well and she seemed to have a particular love for Luke. To have her greet us again this week brought comfort. She and her staff already knew Luke pretty well and were happy to see him (in that weird, "welcome back to the hospital" sort of way...). They marveled at how much he had grown, and as he got better this week, they enjoyed his antics almost as much as I did. It's sad to say we will become like family with the medical staff, yet I am also grateful for the opportunity to build those relationships.
I am beginning to see relationships develop because of our time spent in this new world. We met another family from our church who has a child in the NICU and have had the blessing of running into them a few times this week. I am deeply aware of how God is orchestrated our lives with theirs to spread his good news, and that is an intimidating thought to grasp. I have also begun to connect with families online through some Facebook groups for those with trachs. It is a blessing to recognize the amazing number of people who have the same questions, concerns and little triumphs that we do! Just as Camp Esperanza opened my young eyes to other kids like me who had cancer, these groups are helping me rest in the knowledge that we are not alone in this.
This Sunday, when Luke was coughing continually and struggling to catch his breath, I realized that I had not seen him smile since the day before. Our happy kid was sick. And for the next few days, I watched him cough, grimace and cry without much relief. Even after he seemed to be healing, his smile was absent. Today, as I read to him, sang and talked with him, he finally broke into a grin. We spent the next hour grinning and giggling at one another, and I thanked God for the blessing of Luke's magnetic smile. This last week had seemed really long, but with that smile I knew it was finally over. We'd get to go home soon.
I know it seems trite to say "I am blessed", and I'm technically passed the "30 Days of Thanksgiving" ritual. But thanks for letting me Count My Blessings tonight to help me sleep. I did not even scratch the surface of the list of my blessings, but the song is pretty accurate...and I'm suddenly sleepy.
In the event that I have trouble sleeping tomorrow, tell me what blessings are in your life? I can count those, too.
