...is turning into the hell that everyone hopes to avoid.
Three weeks before graduation...will I graduate, will I not? Will I have to burn bridges just to finish?
I'm so angry about one class right now. And honestly, I'm willing to take a failing grade. It's an elective for me, after all. I ended up with one elective in this degree, and I get to fail it.
And when I think of whether I care to end this class on a poor note, all I can think is that I would never ask this professor for a recommendation anyway, so what am I afraid of?
I guess it's a good thing I'm going to finish my Plan II Honors degree. That will override this little failure.
Darn this class. Darn the person who told me, "Just take it, and then you can get credit!"
Whatever. I'm done. I'm out. I'm going to go do what I love. Screw the rest.
As I told my advisor this morning...I've got job options lined up. Jobs that want my resume, not my transcript. Jobs that care that I come with high recommendation from my internship supervisor and multiple other professors. Jobs that care that my position is a coveted one, and my coworkers admire me.
So I may have to burn this weary bridge. But I know I have dozens of others, strong at my feet. Look out world...
A college graduate will soon be banging on your door.
Friday, April 27
Wednesday, April 18
You would think that I would have lots to write about...
...and actually, I really do. Unfortunately, my brain is all mush right now. You see, I only have 2 weeks. Just 2 weeks...
I'm supposed to be ready. But I'm not. My annoucements arrived yesterday, but all my paperwork isn't in order yet.
It's going to be an interested few weeks... Two weeks...
See you all soon.
I'm supposed to be ready. But I'm not. My annoucements arrived yesterday, but all my paperwork isn't in order yet.
It's going to be an interested few weeks... Two weeks...
See you all soon.
Monday, April 9
Yesterday was not Easter...
...as my dear friend, Sarah, pointed out. No, she reminded me with a greeting, “Happy Day of Celebration of the Resurrection of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ!”
Happy Celebration, indeed.
As I went to bed last night, I was still in awe of the beauty of my Lord and His incomparable provision in my life.
The last several holidays (Christmas and Easter, over a couple years now) have found me sad and bitter. I think that as I’ve transitioned away from the nostalgic traditions of my childhood, I have struggled to know how to celebrate in a way that is meaningful to my walk with Christ. As a result, I have pulled away from the Hallmark celebrations and desired to treasure the holiday for its rightful purpose…God’s wonderful works.
But each year I have found that I’m often unprepared. I’m too caught up in what’s going on in that moment to anticipate the wonderful celebration to come. Christmas is suddenly upon me, and I haven’t thought at all about Christ’s birth, or purchased all my gifts. (The fact that the latter brings more guilt for me is excruciating…) Easter has come and gone, and I may or may not have attended church.
Even worse is the idea that I know I’ve come to a point that I have to prepare for these holidays on my own. Meaning, I’m not under my family’s roof anymore. I don’t have my mom’s decorations to remind me that Christmas is weeks away or Easter candy on the kitchen counter to lure my thoughts to Christ’s sacrifice and, of course, bunnies. (?) No, it’s up to me to remind myself to be reverent of God’s gifts.
And I’ve really failed these last few years. I’ve been in a slump. I think last Easter I was at my worst ever.
At the bidding of someone else, I got up really early and went to a “Son-rise” service (don’t get me started on the pun…) at a tiny church I’d never visited before. I wore a dress and sat in a pew and sang from a hymnal. I said Hello to strangers only briefly before eating dinner with family and taking “family pictures”. I was a cranky punk of a person all Easter day. Unfortunately for me, there was no room for Christ in my grouchy Easter day last year. Yes, I’d hit rock bottom.
This year, I knew I couldn’t take it anymore. On Christmas day, I nearly went to work. I’d been called in to work a four-hour shift, and I was actually looking forward to it. Something different was probably what I needed. Instead, my director decided that if he didn’t make me work, then he wouldn’t have to pay for me, and I was let off the hook. Instead, John and I prepared to move out of our apartment. Yes, after Christmas morning with the fam, we started packing up our place. Christmas was…okay.
But Easter…well, Easter proved to be different. I think I may be figuring out what I needed. It was a no-brainer, really. And if you wait until tomorrow, I’ll let you know the whole, beautiful story.
Looking back on the last few years, I’ve recognized an ugly pattern. I seem to set myself up for failure. As much as I have tried to pull away from the Hallmark-induced merriment of these two holidays, I’m still suckered in to believing in all the expectation that they bring.
I expect that Easter and Christmas will be like the Easter and Christmas that I celebrated as a child. I expect that I’ll feel the same way, do the same things and be with the same people. But the reality of it is that I’m older now.
I don’t care for Easter bunnies or Santa Claus. I don’t “go home” for long weekends or weeks and have days off of school. I don’t see my parents and sister and brother.
I’m changing, and how I celebrate is changing. Making these days my own is so much harder than I ever thought it would be. But on the day after the Happy Day of Celebration of the Resurrection of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ…well, I’ll tell you that the word running over and over through my head, bringing peace and wonder to my soul is,
“intimacy.”
praise God
Happy Celebration, indeed.
As I went to bed last night, I was still in awe of the beauty of my Lord and His incomparable provision in my life.
The last several holidays (Christmas and Easter, over a couple years now) have found me sad and bitter. I think that as I’ve transitioned away from the nostalgic traditions of my childhood, I have struggled to know how to celebrate in a way that is meaningful to my walk with Christ. As a result, I have pulled away from the Hallmark celebrations and desired to treasure the holiday for its rightful purpose…God’s wonderful works.
But each year I have found that I’m often unprepared. I’m too caught up in what’s going on in that moment to anticipate the wonderful celebration to come. Christmas is suddenly upon me, and I haven’t thought at all about Christ’s birth, or purchased all my gifts. (The fact that the latter brings more guilt for me is excruciating…) Easter has come and gone, and I may or may not have attended church.
Even worse is the idea that I know I’ve come to a point that I have to prepare for these holidays on my own. Meaning, I’m not under my family’s roof anymore. I don’t have my mom’s decorations to remind me that Christmas is weeks away or Easter candy on the kitchen counter to lure my thoughts to Christ’s sacrifice and, of course, bunnies. (?) No, it’s up to me to remind myself to be reverent of God’s gifts.
And I’ve really failed these last few years. I’ve been in a slump. I think last Easter I was at my worst ever.
At the bidding of someone else, I got up really early and went to a “Son-rise” service (don’t get me started on the pun…) at a tiny church I’d never visited before. I wore a dress and sat in a pew and sang from a hymnal. I said Hello to strangers only briefly before eating dinner with family and taking “family pictures”. I was a cranky punk of a person all Easter day. Unfortunately for me, there was no room for Christ in my grouchy Easter day last year. Yes, I’d hit rock bottom.
This year, I knew I couldn’t take it anymore. On Christmas day, I nearly went to work. I’d been called in to work a four-hour shift, and I was actually looking forward to it. Something different was probably what I needed. Instead, my director decided that if he didn’t make me work, then he wouldn’t have to pay for me, and I was let off the hook. Instead, John and I prepared to move out of our apartment. Yes, after Christmas morning with the fam, we started packing up our place. Christmas was…okay.
But Easter…well, Easter proved to be different. I think I may be figuring out what I needed. It was a no-brainer, really. And if you wait until tomorrow, I’ll let you know the whole, beautiful story.
Looking back on the last few years, I’ve recognized an ugly pattern. I seem to set myself up for failure. As much as I have tried to pull away from the Hallmark-induced merriment of these two holidays, I’m still suckered in to believing in all the expectation that they bring.
I expect that Easter and Christmas will be like the Easter and Christmas that I celebrated as a child. I expect that I’ll feel the same way, do the same things and be with the same people. But the reality of it is that I’m older now.
I don’t care for Easter bunnies or Santa Claus. I don’t “go home” for long weekends or weeks and have days off of school. I don’t see my parents and sister and brother.
I’m changing, and how I celebrate is changing. Making these days my own is so much harder than I ever thought it would be. But on the day after the Happy Day of Celebration of the Resurrection of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ…well, I’ll tell you that the word running over and over through my head, bringing peace and wonder to my soul is,
“intimacy.”
praise God
Tuesday, April 3
I've been having lots of "moments" lately...
...and I just can't shake the feeling that it's only going to get worse in the next few months.
It's been a little while since my last post. It seems like years, which is such a huge exaggeration. But a lot has happened.
My parents and sister came in town. I spent three days hanging out with my baby sis and two more with our parents included. Altogether, I loved the time. We saw Austin, did a lot of outdoor adventuring, pretended to shop on South Congress (though the rain tried to thwart our fun), got a manicure, saw a movie, went to the dog park - without a dog - had lunch at Hula Hut Friday afternoon, coffee downtown on a Friday night and breakfast at Magnolia on Saturday morn. Lots conversation and sharing, lots of walking, lots of good family time. Still, I think I had a minor panic attack on Tuesday evening (a first for me) and I slept for 12+ hours on Saturday night after everything was said and done. I woke up Sunday thinking about how I hate Satan. I hate that he takes a beautiful, kind, funny, smart, considerate and strong woman and turns her into a self-loathing, inconsiderate, depressed, withdrawn, ghost of a person. I hate that he turns my heart cold in spots, jumbles my thoughts and makes me selfish. On Sunday, I hated Satan. On Monday, I was again clinging to the grace and love of Christ, wanting desperately to love as He does and praying for his mercy and wisdom in my life. But I still hate Satan and long for the day of his reckoning by our Holy Lord and Savior.
So that was two weeks ago.
This week, I am thinking and acting on the next month or so of my life. On Sunday in church, I made the off-handed comment that I'm finishing up my last month of college. I think it was the first time I said that out loud, and I found myself crying (okay, only a bit; I had to keep it together; that was not a place to unleash the waterworks) John has reminded me before that this is just the right time. We're moving on to a different period, and it's good. But as I told him last night, it's not about timing. Yes, I know that God has orchestrated this transition and that it's right. But that doesn't remove the feeling of incredible sadness that I know as I leave this long chapter of my life. As I drove home from rowing practice yesterday, I couldn't help but wonder at how my college experience may have come full circle. I began with a crew of wonderful women, rowing at Town Lake, and I finish by working with a few of them as rowing coaches for a high school team of blind students. That's only one small example of how God is wrapping up my time here.
But still, it's painful to leave. I have loved it here. I have grown in ways I will continue to contemplate and understand. I still vividly remember the night after Spring Break ski trip in 2002 when I yelled at God in my room because I was angry about having to go to UT. I told Him it wasn't what I wanted and that He'd have to change my heart if this were going to work. Well, it only took Him about 24 hours to throw me in a 180 and another 5 years to prove His point. Okay, Lord, I don't doubt your sovereignty.
So, I think I'm going to wrap up for today. More retrospective posts to come. I feel a grieving time is coming, so you'll have to bear with me. See, I've just been having lots of "moments" lately...
It's been a little while since my last post. It seems like years, which is such a huge exaggeration. But a lot has happened.
My parents and sister came in town. I spent three days hanging out with my baby sis and two more with our parents included. Altogether, I loved the time. We saw Austin, did a lot of outdoor adventuring, pretended to shop on South Congress (though the rain tried to thwart our fun), got a manicure, saw a movie, went to the dog park - without a dog - had lunch at Hula Hut Friday afternoon, coffee downtown on a Friday night and breakfast at Magnolia on Saturday morn. Lots conversation and sharing, lots of walking, lots of good family time. Still, I think I had a minor panic attack on Tuesday evening (a first for me) and I slept for 12+ hours on Saturday night after everything was said and done. I woke up Sunday thinking about how I hate Satan. I hate that he takes a beautiful, kind, funny, smart, considerate and strong woman and turns her into a self-loathing, inconsiderate, depressed, withdrawn, ghost of a person. I hate that he turns my heart cold in spots, jumbles my thoughts and makes me selfish. On Sunday, I hated Satan. On Monday, I was again clinging to the grace and love of Christ, wanting desperately to love as He does and praying for his mercy and wisdom in my life. But I still hate Satan and long for the day of his reckoning by our Holy Lord and Savior.
So that was two weeks ago.
This week, I am thinking and acting on the next month or so of my life. On Sunday in church, I made the off-handed comment that I'm finishing up my last month of college. I think it was the first time I said that out loud, and I found myself crying (okay, only a bit; I had to keep it together; that was not a place to unleash the waterworks) John has reminded me before that this is just the right time. We're moving on to a different period, and it's good. But as I told him last night, it's not about timing. Yes, I know that God has orchestrated this transition and that it's right. But that doesn't remove the feeling of incredible sadness that I know as I leave this long chapter of my life. As I drove home from rowing practice yesterday, I couldn't help but wonder at how my college experience may have come full circle. I began with a crew of wonderful women, rowing at Town Lake, and I finish by working with a few of them as rowing coaches for a high school team of blind students. That's only one small example of how God is wrapping up my time here.
But still, it's painful to leave. I have loved it here. I have grown in ways I will continue to contemplate and understand. I still vividly remember the night after Spring Break ski trip in 2002 when I yelled at God in my room because I was angry about having to go to UT. I told Him it wasn't what I wanted and that He'd have to change my heart if this were going to work. Well, it only took Him about 24 hours to throw me in a 180 and another 5 years to prove His point. Okay, Lord, I don't doubt your sovereignty.
So, I think I'm going to wrap up for today. More retrospective posts to come. I feel a grieving time is coming, so you'll have to bear with me. See, I've just been having lots of "moments" lately...
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