...while searching the internet for pictures for my class tomorrow.
This week, we're studying Halloween-related creatures...you know, bats, owls, cats and spiders?
We've covered owls and bats (as well as pumpkins, though that didn't fall under title of "creature"). I wasn't thrilled about finding pictures and facts about bats. I found a site all about bats which made me want to shoot other people. I understand that God created us with a variety of skills and interests...but, who really loves bats that much? Ugh.
Tonight, I had to look up pictures and facts about spiders. That lasted less than 30 seconds.
I googled "spiders". Up popped a picture of armed forces personnel holding spiders made in hell. Google it. You'll see.
I couldn't look any further. I covered my eyes and whimpered, calling John over to close my webpage. My toes are still curling.
Who knew I was capable of such a visceral reaction? I mean, just today, I had a spider in my classroom that didn't bother me. But then again, God made that spider.
The spiders on my computer were sent to earth on a mission from Beelzebub.
Dear Jesus, save me.
Wednesday, October 24
Sunday, October 21
My dreams have always been peppered with reality or prophetic notion...
...which is most often reassuring and scary at the same time.
For instance, I cannot stand when I dream about my daily routine. It's exhausting to not have a break from the day...and last week I had a few too many nights filled with little sleep mixed with nightmares of my children (who, in themselves, are not nightmarish at all...) I stayed home from work Wednesday after being very sick and never asleep. When I arrived to school on Thursday, Mrs. P (my co-teacher) told me stories from the day before, one of which I had dreamt of in a brief moment of rest on Tuesday night. Though, if you knew the child...it wouldn't have been difficult to predict his behavior.
Sometimes my dreams are a little more bizarre. Okay, most times they're a lot more bizarre. But it's always pretty interesting when midway through my day, my strange and artistic dreams suddenly make sense.
Last night I dreamt of walking through a building that resembled a haunted house with trap doors that appeared randomly, morphed into new doors, or disappeared altogether. It became clear that I was searching for the door to my church, a church I hadn't been to yet. When I arrived at what I thought was the right place, the people were singing some incredibly strange acapella music, along with clicking, "dun-dun"-ing and WAY too much enthusiasm. I was on my way back out the door when in walked a man who in my dream state was supposed to be John Piper.
Let me explain that as John and I have looked for a church in San Antonio, we have been struggling to find someone who teaches the Bible with the kind of authority and perspective that we have thrived on before. John (my hubby) has often used Piper as a benchmark, which we both realize in incredibly unfair. But, let's be real...we're not looking for the best Starbucks...we're looking for our spiritual home.
In the last few months, we haven't found anyone comparable. One church had good music, but failed to deliver a message that was anything more than "God loves you so you can be happy". Another church found us cringing from the get-go. And so on we go...
This morning we visited Community Bible Church. I was intimidated because of the size of the church. A choir (thankfully in casual clothes; no robes) of at least one hundred, a full orchestra, plus 12 to 15 singers in front with handheld mikes...this is what we walked in to. Two gigantic screens flanked the stage, and our chairs folded up, just like at an old movie theater. As I recalled, this was similar to the seating in my dream.
The music began. It was beautiful, and I danced, but I wasn't familiar with most of the songs, so I enjoyed watching the sign interpreter a few rows in front. When a man walked onstage and introduced himself as the pastor, I immediately perked up. Something was right...
We walked out of church that morning, chattering about the things we enjoyed. I told John about my dream. The church with the weird music but the right message. John, my musical husband, told me that the worship was so different from what he knew that he could actually enjoy it without needing to be on stage as a musician. That's a good thing. Did I mention that he was also interested in meeting the pastor afterwards, and it was I that felt a little anti-social?
We're going back next Sunday. We've given each church that we've visited a few trial Sundays. Church hunting is no fun. It's enjoyable to see different places of worship, but I was starting to feel a little lonely without my church family.
If my dreams have any real bearing, (which I tend to give them...after all, I've had prophetic dreams too many times in the past), then we may do well at Community Bible.
How is it that I'm back at CBC? That just makes me smile...
For instance, I cannot stand when I dream about my daily routine. It's exhausting to not have a break from the day...and last week I had a few too many nights filled with little sleep mixed with nightmares of my children (who, in themselves, are not nightmarish at all...) I stayed home from work Wednesday after being very sick and never asleep. When I arrived to school on Thursday, Mrs. P (my co-teacher) told me stories from the day before, one of which I had dreamt of in a brief moment of rest on Tuesday night. Though, if you knew the child...it wouldn't have been difficult to predict his behavior.
Sometimes my dreams are a little more bizarre. Okay, most times they're a lot more bizarre. But it's always pretty interesting when midway through my day, my strange and artistic dreams suddenly make sense.
Last night I dreamt of walking through a building that resembled a haunted house with trap doors that appeared randomly, morphed into new doors, or disappeared altogether. It became clear that I was searching for the door to my church, a church I hadn't been to yet. When I arrived at what I thought was the right place, the people were singing some incredibly strange acapella music, along with clicking, "dun-dun"-ing and WAY too much enthusiasm. I was on my way back out the door when in walked a man who in my dream state was supposed to be John Piper.
Let me explain that as John and I have looked for a church in San Antonio, we have been struggling to find someone who teaches the Bible with the kind of authority and perspective that we have thrived on before. John (my hubby) has often used Piper as a benchmark, which we both realize in incredibly unfair. But, let's be real...we're not looking for the best Starbucks...we're looking for our spiritual home.
In the last few months, we haven't found anyone comparable. One church had good music, but failed to deliver a message that was anything more than "God loves you so you can be happy". Another church found us cringing from the get-go. And so on we go...
This morning we visited Community Bible Church. I was intimidated because of the size of the church. A choir (thankfully in casual clothes; no robes) of at least one hundred, a full orchestra, plus 12 to 15 singers in front with handheld mikes...this is what we walked in to. Two gigantic screens flanked the stage, and our chairs folded up, just like at an old movie theater. As I recalled, this was similar to the seating in my dream.
The music began. It was beautiful, and I danced, but I wasn't familiar with most of the songs, so I enjoyed watching the sign interpreter a few rows in front. When a man walked onstage and introduced himself as the pastor, I immediately perked up. Something was right...
We walked out of church that morning, chattering about the things we enjoyed. I told John about my dream. The church with the weird music but the right message. John, my musical husband, told me that the worship was so different from what he knew that he could actually enjoy it without needing to be on stage as a musician. That's a good thing. Did I mention that he was also interested in meeting the pastor afterwards, and it was I that felt a little anti-social?
We're going back next Sunday. We've given each church that we've visited a few trial Sundays. Church hunting is no fun. It's enjoyable to see different places of worship, but I was starting to feel a little lonely without my church family.
If my dreams have any real bearing, (which I tend to give them...after all, I've had prophetic dreams too many times in the past), then we may do well at Community Bible.
How is it that I'm back at CBC? That just makes me smile...
Sunday, October 14
I can feel it coming...
...like a tidal wave hiding behind the sun setting over the ocean...it's a beautiful scene, but it's haunted with dread...and I know that the weight of the water will overcome my attempts to stay afloat.
I'm in a mood. If I could call myself an artist (but I don't have the gumption) then I would say that my muse is knocking at the door, ready to inspire world-impacting kinds of work.
I swear, my mind has not stopped swirling with thoughts, creations, notions, theories, questions...it's not stopped for a while.
Last week I organized our resource room. This week I attempted to organize my classroom. When that failed slightly, I went home and cleaned my house.
These are the mundane, somewhat thoughtless activities that I take to when I need to quiet the noise that is...my head.
It may be the changing season. It may be the variety of adventures that I and my loved ones have found ourselves on. It may be the soul-awakening process of church-searching in which John and I have become immersed.
Let me go back to the changing season idea...see, it's not just the season change of summer-to-fall. It's not just the season change of Austin-to-San-Antonio. It's not just the season change of being married for two years and feeling the impact of that reality. It's not just the season change of college-student-to-graduate. It's not even the change of adapting to a job that I've never experienced before.
I think the change involves the realization that my life altogether made an incredible shift this summer...and it's becoming somewhat apparent that I really wasn't prepared for the adjustment.
While visiting a church today, I looked around the sanctuary and caught sight of a man that looked very much like a dear friend that John and I shared back in Austin. Suddenly, I was mourning the loss of that friend and the multitude of people that we had known during our time in that city. I hate the way we left. No fanfare, no goodbyes, no promises to write or call. We just left. Sometimes it makes me feel sick to think that I spent 5 years in a place and left without more than a handful of relationships. Even more interesting is that my two close friends were made in the last 2 years or so. I only met Sarah a year ago. My roommate no longer lives in Austin, and some other good friends have moved away. 3 or 4 actually live in San Antonio, which is a blessing. So what ties me to that city? Maybe nothing. Maybe that's why we left so quietly...maybe.
I've been watching a dear friend struggle with the frustration of not having control in her life. As her plans appear to dwindle, there's a relentless sense of futility that bashes away at her confidence. In these times, I am aware of the tears and anger that come when our supposedly perfect plans fall through our fingertips. And then I am grateful to be reminded that my God sees beyond my puny ideas and orchestrates my life to perfect detail for the glory of His name. He knows the plans that He has for me, and though I make many efforts to control my world, it is HIS purpose that prevails; His purpose is perfect and worthy and takes my breath away.
So I am praying, as I gaze out to this sunset - as it hides that looming tidal wave - that my God will make His promises evident to me. I am praying that He provides strength to rise on wings like eagles, to run and not grow weary. I am praying that His glorious riches are bountiful in our lives so that we may be a fragrance of Christ to those around us. I am praying that He provides peace beyond my understanding and quiets my anxieties over all these changes.
And I am praying that as the heavy waters close over me, may I be reminded that The Lord sat as KING at the flood. Yes, the Lord sits as King forever.
I'm in a mood. If I could call myself an artist (but I don't have the gumption) then I would say that my muse is knocking at the door, ready to inspire world-impacting kinds of work.
I swear, my mind has not stopped swirling with thoughts, creations, notions, theories, questions...it's not stopped for a while.
Last week I organized our resource room. This week I attempted to organize my classroom. When that failed slightly, I went home and cleaned my house.
These are the mundane, somewhat thoughtless activities that I take to when I need to quiet the noise that is...my head.
It may be the changing season. It may be the variety of adventures that I and my loved ones have found ourselves on. It may be the soul-awakening process of church-searching in which John and I have become immersed.
Let me go back to the changing season idea...see, it's not just the season change of summer-to-fall. It's not just the season change of Austin-to-San-Antonio. It's not just the season change of being married for two years and feeling the impact of that reality. It's not just the season change of college-student-to-graduate. It's not even the change of adapting to a job that I've never experienced before.
I think the change involves the realization that my life altogether made an incredible shift this summer...and it's becoming somewhat apparent that I really wasn't prepared for the adjustment.
While visiting a church today, I looked around the sanctuary and caught sight of a man that looked very much like a dear friend that John and I shared back in Austin. Suddenly, I was mourning the loss of that friend and the multitude of people that we had known during our time in that city. I hate the way we left. No fanfare, no goodbyes, no promises to write or call. We just left. Sometimes it makes me feel sick to think that I spent 5 years in a place and left without more than a handful of relationships. Even more interesting is that my two close friends were made in the last 2 years or so. I only met Sarah a year ago. My roommate no longer lives in Austin, and some other good friends have moved away. 3 or 4 actually live in San Antonio, which is a blessing. So what ties me to that city? Maybe nothing. Maybe that's why we left so quietly...maybe.
I've been watching a dear friend struggle with the frustration of not having control in her life. As her plans appear to dwindle, there's a relentless sense of futility that bashes away at her confidence. In these times, I am aware of the tears and anger that come when our supposedly perfect plans fall through our fingertips. And then I am grateful to be reminded that my God sees beyond my puny ideas and orchestrates my life to perfect detail for the glory of His name. He knows the plans that He has for me, and though I make many efforts to control my world, it is HIS purpose that prevails; His purpose is perfect and worthy and takes my breath away.
So I am praying, as I gaze out to this sunset - as it hides that looming tidal wave - that my God will make His promises evident to me. I am praying that He provides strength to rise on wings like eagles, to run and not grow weary. I am praying that His glorious riches are bountiful in our lives so that we may be a fragrance of Christ to those around us. I am praying that He provides peace beyond my understanding and quiets my anxieties over all these changes.
And I am praying that as the heavy waters close over me, may I be reminded that The Lord sat as KING at the flood. Yes, the Lord sits as King forever.
Monday, October 8
It was a little too spontaneous...
...but I started a Facebook...again. I tried this about 2 years ago and gave up after 2 weeks. It stresses me out a bit. Still, like the blog, my whole family was doing it (even my grandma!!), so I was tempted to follow their lead.
My goal right now is to correspond better with friends and family...but I'm a little worried that I'll let Facebook do the talking.
What have I gotten myself in to?
My goal right now is to correspond better with friends and family...but I'm a little worried that I'll let Facebook do the talking.
What have I gotten myself in to?
Wednesday, October 3
I woke up cranky...
...with a capital C.
I hadn't set the coffee yesterday since I was exhausted and forgetful, so my a.m. beverage was the instant Tassimo kind, and I'm not entirely a fan of early-morning change. Cranky.
I don't like the bagels I bought which meant my breakfast-on-the-go was kind of icky. Cranky. Cranky.
My clocks must be confused because I was late to school. Not the typical Pam's-running-3-minutes-behind late (and, YES, I AM working on that.) but the oh-my-goodness-please-tell-me-they're-doing-the-morning-news-report-early-because-I'm-supposed-to-be-at-work-right-now-late.
So, that adds to the cranky.
We're assessing our kids this week. Mrs. P (my co-teacher) took her portion of the class into the conference room one at a time. That left me to juggle the other 15. Usually not so bad, but remember...I'm cranky. And my three difficult children were in "rare form". Somehow, I managed to keep the cranky inside.
I ate lunch alone. My two lunch buddies were out. One was at home with a sick child and the other was covering for the one at home. Lonely lunch. I kind of wanted to growl at the HEB employee who asked me how my day was. But I got my band-aids and contact solution (darn contacts NEED to be replaced NOW) and made my way back.
I had sweet time with Jesus in my car in the school parking lot. He reminded me that He's bigger than my hormones and my cranky. I asked Him to remind me for a few more hours until I could go home and curl up in bed.
My first sweet moment was when my two bosses recognized me as "Apple of Their Eye", which is essentially Teacher of the Month. I got a ribbon (attached it to my badge), a pretty gold apple pin (attached it to my shirt collar), a certificate (going to frame it and attach it to a wall in my classroom) and a nice card with a small gift card to Target.
Still, my 3 tough kids were the last ones left (never happens!), so I got to hang out with them longer than usual. Then I had to talk with mom of the child in whom I still haven't discovered an attractive quality. How do you express kindly the things I would like to say?
Drivers in San Antonio suck. The drive home made the cranky creep in again. I had wanted to leave on time so that I could get home to clean the mound of dishes that had piled up and scrub the bathroom which I wouldn't get to this weekend since we'd be gone. Events ensued, and I left work an hour and a half after having clocked out.
Oh, the cranky.
But God reminded me of my plea for His grace. I came home to find that my husband has washed the dishes and cleaned the kitchen. He'd also cleaned some of the bathroom. Then he took a break long enough to lay down on the couch with me until I could sigh out all the cranky.
Buh-Bye, Cranky. God reigns.
I hadn't set the coffee yesterday since I was exhausted and forgetful, so my a.m. beverage was the instant Tassimo kind, and I'm not entirely a fan of early-morning change. Cranky.
I don't like the bagels I bought which meant my breakfast-on-the-go was kind of icky. Cranky. Cranky.
My clocks must be confused because I was late to school. Not the typical Pam's-running-3-minutes-behind late (and, YES, I AM working on that.) but the oh-my-goodness-please-tell-me-they're-doing-the-morning-news-report-early-because-I'm-supposed-to-be-at-work-right-now-late.
So, that adds to the cranky.
We're assessing our kids this week. Mrs. P (my co-teacher) took her portion of the class into the conference room one at a time. That left me to juggle the other 15. Usually not so bad, but remember...I'm cranky. And my three difficult children were in "rare form". Somehow, I managed to keep the cranky inside.
I ate lunch alone. My two lunch buddies were out. One was at home with a sick child and the other was covering for the one at home. Lonely lunch. I kind of wanted to growl at the HEB employee who asked me how my day was. But I got my band-aids and contact solution (darn contacts NEED to be replaced NOW) and made my way back.
I had sweet time with Jesus in my car in the school parking lot. He reminded me that He's bigger than my hormones and my cranky. I asked Him to remind me for a few more hours until I could go home and curl up in bed.
My first sweet moment was when my two bosses recognized me as "Apple of Their Eye", which is essentially Teacher of the Month. I got a ribbon (attached it to my badge), a pretty gold apple pin (attached it to my shirt collar), a certificate (going to frame it and attach it to a wall in my classroom) and a nice card with a small gift card to Target.
Still, my 3 tough kids were the last ones left (never happens!), so I got to hang out with them longer than usual. Then I had to talk with mom of the child in whom I still haven't discovered an attractive quality. How do you express kindly the things I would like to say?
Drivers in San Antonio suck. The drive home made the cranky creep in again. I had wanted to leave on time so that I could get home to clean the mound of dishes that had piled up and scrub the bathroom which I wouldn't get to this weekend since we'd be gone. Events ensued, and I left work an hour and a half after having clocked out.
Oh, the cranky.
But God reminded me of my plea for His grace. I came home to find that my husband has washed the dishes and cleaned the kitchen. He'd also cleaned some of the bathroom. Then he took a break long enough to lay down on the couch with me until I could sigh out all the cranky.
Buh-Bye, Cranky. God reigns.
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