Thursday, May 28
Sunday, May 17
Oh good grief...
...I believe my entire family has fallen off the blogging bandwagon. And since it's generally only my family that reads my own blog, I have been less than motivated to continue writing.
However, I definitely feel the joy and cleansing of putting thoughts down on...computer? I think what began my writing block was the attempt to detail my trip to the Northeast. So, for further notice, that story is on hold. It's my white whale, and I will confront it later.
In the meantime, I have a full plate at school, and I almost cannot unpack it all and make sense of the mess. My students graduate in less than two weeks, and summer camp will begin in full force. I long for the day to take a breath and get prepared for it all...but are you freakin' kidding me? That's not going to happen. I can't shake the feeling of insanity that has been lingering over my shoulder for nearly a month now. Ironically, John is deejaying in our apartment now and just turned on Gnarles Barkley's "Crazy". Seriously? I'm not joking.
I have felt insane because about 3 or 4 months ago, it took all my human strength (yes, it's important to note that my strength is human) to drag myself to work each day. I went for weeks without truly smiling at school. My students are resilient and survived that time, but I felt a mess. At church one morning, I was praying for a new job. I'd been praying for a new job for a couple months, but kept feeling a negative answer. So, I begrudgingly pleaded to at least maintain sanity in my current state. I have to admit that I told God that I didn't exactly want to be happy there, but to at least be rid of the anger. When God is knocking, though, he doesn't specify that we throw the door wide open. Sometimes, He just needs to sneak in his toe.
Thursday of that week, I was recounting to Stephanie that this particular week had been much more relaxed. And for the first time since we'd returned from Christmas break (this was in February), I smiled at work. I had even laughed.
It took me a few minutes to realize what had happened, but after a bit I stopped mid-sentence and said, "I am such an idiot!"
For the last few months, I have returned to work determined to fall to spiritual strength instead of my own human weakness. The doors that have opened have been small and slow to reveal what is behind them, but after several weeks, the difference has been noticeable.
Yesterday, I turned down a job to nanny for a family. There were a few legitimate reasons that the family would not have been a good fit for me, but ultimately, I couldn't shake the feeling that I have more work to do in my current job. Thus the feeling of crazy has loomed over me.
For now, I am staying. I am blessed with a beautiful husband who supports me where I am, regardless of how many times we realize we cannot afford to do certain things on this salary. I am blessed with family who makes enormous efforts to spend time with us and supports us financially while we work out this time in our lives. I am blessed with a God who never left me, despite how long and far I walked away.
My God is a radical mover. He is not often subtle, but many times we are slow to see. I believe I have more to do in my position at the school, but even more I believe that God has more to do in me.
However, I definitely feel the joy and cleansing of putting thoughts down on...computer? I think what began my writing block was the attempt to detail my trip to the Northeast. So, for further notice, that story is on hold. It's my white whale, and I will confront it later.
In the meantime, I have a full plate at school, and I almost cannot unpack it all and make sense of the mess. My students graduate in less than two weeks, and summer camp will begin in full force. I long for the day to take a breath and get prepared for it all...but are you freakin' kidding me? That's not going to happen. I can't shake the feeling of insanity that has been lingering over my shoulder for nearly a month now. Ironically, John is deejaying in our apartment now and just turned on Gnarles Barkley's "Crazy". Seriously? I'm not joking.
I have felt insane because about 3 or 4 months ago, it took all my human strength (yes, it's important to note that my strength is human) to drag myself to work each day. I went for weeks without truly smiling at school. My students are resilient and survived that time, but I felt a mess. At church one morning, I was praying for a new job. I'd been praying for a new job for a couple months, but kept feeling a negative answer. So, I begrudgingly pleaded to at least maintain sanity in my current state. I have to admit that I told God that I didn't exactly want to be happy there, but to at least be rid of the anger. When God is knocking, though, he doesn't specify that we throw the door wide open. Sometimes, He just needs to sneak in his toe.
Thursday of that week, I was recounting to Stephanie that this particular week had been much more relaxed. And for the first time since we'd returned from Christmas break (this was in February), I smiled at work. I had even laughed.
It took me a few minutes to realize what had happened, but after a bit I stopped mid-sentence and said, "I am such an idiot!"
For the last few months, I have returned to work determined to fall to spiritual strength instead of my own human weakness. The doors that have opened have been small and slow to reveal what is behind them, but after several weeks, the difference has been noticeable.
Yesterday, I turned down a job to nanny for a family. There were a few legitimate reasons that the family would not have been a good fit for me, but ultimately, I couldn't shake the feeling that I have more work to do in my current job. Thus the feeling of crazy has loomed over me.
For now, I am staying. I am blessed with a beautiful husband who supports me where I am, regardless of how many times we realize we cannot afford to do certain things on this salary. I am blessed with family who makes enormous efforts to spend time with us and supports us financially while we work out this time in our lives. I am blessed with a God who never left me, despite how long and far I walked away.
My God is a radical mover. He is not often subtle, but many times we are slow to see. I believe I have more to do in my position at the school, but even more I believe that God has more to do in me.
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