This pregnancy with Luke has been different. The dreams have continued thus far and are certainly more stressful than usual. I can always evaluate my subconscious levels of anxiety based on my dreams. More recently, they've taken similar themes of "incompletion" or "inability to function". You know, the dream where you're just supposed to accomplish a simple task like getting to work, but you get locked in the shower, then can't find your keys, then the car won't start, then the roads to work are closed, then you somehow forget the route to work that you've driven for 4 years. That kind of dream. Or I spend the entire night reliving the same part of a dream and never get to see the end. Are you familiar with that one?
I've been a dreamer for so long that I've learned some tricks. Most times, I've very aware that I'm not awake, and I can wake myself from stressful or scary dreams. But in the drug-like haze of pregnancy exhaustion, I haven't been able to accomplish this. I've literally prayed before bed that God would give me the energy to wake up if I need to clear my head from a difficult dream. In the last week, He did once answer that prayer. I sat up in bed wondering why I was wide awake, and then remembered to thank Him for getting me out of that nightmare.
With each new night of dreams, I am painfully aware that the uncertainty of our lives right now is like the pea under the mattress (am I comparing myself to a princess here? Not exactly...let's just ride with the thought though.) Something is irritating me, and I may get through each day seeming fine, but there is no doubt I'm experiencing an underlying pain. We are living in a state of waiting. Each day I count down to our next doctor appointment, hoping to hear some definitive news, but knowing from experience that it's not likely. I think that's where my "inability" dreams come from. I desire to get some answers, but just cannot do that in my own power. Sure, we have had some DNA tests give us "results" but they have thus far been beyond ours (and our doctors') understanding. So we wait.
We wait for the next appointment. We wait for Luke to grow and hopefully demonstrate clearer signs of his needs. We wait for test results. We wait to see how our boy progresses.
Our struggle is not terribly unique. Waiting in life is certainly not unique. I was just reading our Christmas letter from two years ago, and it was all about the Advent season and the joy that can be found in waiting. As Christians, we are perpetually waiting. All humans want to feel secure and stable, but we must admit we are in a constant state of anticipation. To fight off the strains of anxiety (and the dreams that come from them), I must remind myself continually that I get to wait with hope. I get to anticipate with certainty. I get to rest in His sovereignty. In times when this waiting period has grown too exhausting, I find comfort in the words of Isaiah 40:
"Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.
29
He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.
30
Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
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but those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint."
Our sweet Luke Elias, you are a reminder that OUR LORD IS GOD. He can handle our anxiety. He can strengthen our waiting. His understanding is beyond ours, and He has our good in mind. We can praise Him for you are wonderfully made. We have many dreams for your life, but God's plan and provision is even greater than we've imagined. Hallelujah.
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